Tim Blair: Hands Up For Holy War

January 17, 2009

SURE, it's easy for progressive types to march through Western cities in solidarity with Hamas and be all blaming the Zionists.

But how much of a Hamas fan are you really? There's only one way to find out: take the Super Hamas Fanboy Multiple Choice Quiz!

Just answer these questions then total the results to find your level of Hamas compatibility. This test is certified 100 per cent accurate by the International Society of Middle Eastern Quizzlers.

1 Hamas is a:

a) Terrorist death cult

b) Misguided but well-meaning collective just trying to get by

c) Freedom-fighting movement I'd vote for if they ran for government in Australia

2 According to exiled Hamas leader Khalid Meshaal: "Our modest, home-made rockets are our cry of protest to the world." Which people construct these modest, home-made rockets?

a) Murderous Hamas operatives whose weapons have killed dozens of Israeli civilians

b) Ill-advised young men caught up in a cycle of violence

c) They are knitted by little old ladies sitting on porches in their rocking chairs. Some rockets have colourful doilies on them and are sold in craft markets

3 How do you feel when Hamas and rival Palestinian group Fatah begin killing each other, as happens from time to time?

a) Get me some popcorn! I love this show

b) It demonstrates just how deep are the troubling troubles in this troubled region

c) I hate it when mummy and daddy fight

4 What are you more likely to find in backyards throughout the southern Israeli city of Sderot, only a couple of kilometres from Gaza?

a) Modest, home-made rockets

b) Oil wells. Israel does have oil, right?

c) Scheming Jew-children plotting future occupation plans

5 Hamas's charter calls for the obliteration of Israel. Do you have a problem with that?

a) Well, yes. I'd have thought any civilised person would have a problem with that

b) Some allowance should be made for hyperbole

c) Israel shouldn't be there in the first place

6 Why are there gigantic secondary explosions when Israeli defence force missiles hit targeted mosques?

a) Those would be the massive stores of concealed armaments detonating, which explains why certain sites are under attack

b) Maybe there are problems with gas leaks

c) It's all the peace and spirituality escaping

7 Hamas's charter also cites the Protocols Of The Elders Of Zion, a Hitler-endorsed forgery alleging that (among other things) Jews feast on non-Jew blood. Again, any issues here?

a) Plenty

b) Hey, it might be just a problem with translation. You know how tricky that can be

c) Let's not take the Protocols out of context

8 How many "modest home-made rockets" and mortar shells were fired into Israel (which is one third the size of Tasmania) last year?

a) 3258 - a 128 per cent increase over the previous year

b) Maybe a few hundred; the news doesn't really mention any rockets much

c) The number isn't important. These are cries of protest to the world!

9 What did you make of the recording allegedly made by Osama bin Laden in which he called for a holy war in response to the Gaza attacks?

a) Big deal. It was just one insane terrorist talking to other terrorists

b) This could lead to a dangerous escalation of violence

c) As an elder statesman of the Islamist movement, we should heed his words

10 From where do you get your news about the Middle East?

a) A wide range of print and electronic media

b) Commercial television

c) The ABC

11 Female members of the IDF are:

a) Hot

b) Please, their obvious and intense hotness should not be an issue

c) They'd look better if they were wearing veils. And maybe vests lined with explosives

12 Malcolm Fraser claims that modest, home-made rockets are "the kind of weapon used by those who have been pushed too far and basically have no resources". Except for the resources required to build and launch 3258 rockets. How long would Israel exist if Hamas had nuclear resources?

a) Not even as long as Fraser was going to remain prime minister once Bob Hawke became ALP leader

b) It depends. Would these be modest, home-made nuclear resources?

c) Er, um . . . racism!

Results

Next, the tallying of your results. Award one point for every "a" answer, five points for every "b" and 10 for every "c". Where do you stand?

12-40: Shalom, Schlomo! What are you doing completing a quiz during the Sabbath? For shame.

41-80: You have the potential to be a loyal and valuable Hamas supporter, yet you exhibit worrying signs of reasonableness and sanity.

81-120: Congratulations, honorary Hamas operative! Your solidarity with the struggle is duly noted. Now, let's see if this modest, home-made Semtex vest fits you.

Source: Daily Telegraph

TV's lighter side of Islam a hit but not everyone's laughing

Sanna Trad | May 17, 2008

"GO home, Osama," was not a particularly clever insult. "Go to hell, you educated pigs," was much better, although a little unexpected.

Waleed Aly, a counter-terrorism expert and founding member of the new SBS comedy Salam Cafe, reckons there came a point where the racist insults he received in the street stopped offending him and started making him laugh.

"The funniest thing is the one-liners you get," he said. "How can you compete with comedy like that? After a while it stops being offensive and just starts being funny."

Salam Cafe, the brainchild of the show's regular panel members Mr Aly, Ahmed Imam and Susan Carland, takes a rare look at the funnier side of the issues that affect Muslims.

The show includes regular comedy skits, panel discussions and, disturbingly for Australia's international image, vox pops providing viewers with an insight into some of the inaccurate perceptions of Islam.

A visit to Adelaide by the show's roaming reporter and stand-up comedian Nazeem Hussein revealed some of the misconceptions.

One respondent thought Islam was a country "somewhere in Iraq", while another wasn't sure what Muslims were, asking if they "eat people?"

Ms Carland, a politics academic and a convert to Islam, said she believed the show would appeal to a wider audience because it took the Australian approach of self-deprecation.

"People like the fact that we are willing to laugh at ourselves and our situations," she said.

"You either reclaim what can be a really grim situation with humour or you get frustrated, mad and dejected."

She said the panellists drew on real situations they had faced because of their faith.

"The show isn't about Islam but Muslims," Ms Carland said. "We are trying to show people the human side of the religion because they seem to think we're not human. There's so much ignorance and fear."

With characters such as Uncle Sam, a wildly boisterous tunic-wearing Muslim uncle, and Fatima "Teems", a teenybopper who has frequent clashes with her father, and with segments such as "Where's Osama?" and "Extremist Makeover", the show was bound to ruffle a few feathers.

Although most of the feedback on the show's website was positive, some viewers did not hide their distaste. One comment read: "ur guys just destroying the religion. allah should burn ur guys in hell fire. u bastards."

Another read: "I can't believe SBS are wasting taxpayer dollars on this religious propaganda."

Ms Carland said she was surprised that so much of the feedback was positive. "I expected it to be a lot more 50-50," she said. "We do get emails like, 'I can't believe you Muslims are laughing' but most of what we hear is a lot more positive."

Mr Aly, too, was pleased by the response. "There are a lot of people who are just happy to see Muslims on TV that are not terrorists."

Salam Cafe debuted with 165,000 viewers, slightly more than Newstopia, which previously occupied the Wednesday night timeslot.